Quiz - What Kind Of Mother Are You ( or will be ) To Your Daughter ?

Excerpted from Making Up With Mom: Why Mothers and

   Daughters Disagree about Kids, Careers, and Casseroles (and What to Do About It), by Julie Halpert and Deborah Carr (Ph.D). Thomas Dunne Books/St. Martin’s Press (2008).

 

Question 1.: You've invited your daughter and her family for dinner and have spent the  afternoon

preparing your  daughter's favorite dish. As you sit down to eat, your daughter brings over a bowl of

macaroni and cheese for her kids.  You:
a. tell her to take it away immediately and insist your grandkids eat what you prepared.
b. decide to go to your favorite restaurant next time, where everyone can order what they want.
c. let daughter serve the macaroni, but then silently seethe all night because she's hurt your

 feelings.
d. gently ask your daughter why she felt the need to bring the macaroni and ask if your  grandchildren

 might try   some of her cooking as well.

Question 2:You've invited your daughter and her family to stay with you at your winter condo in Florida

for a  week. As soon as your grandkids walk in the door, they kick off their boots and start running around

 and yelling. Your daughter laughs it off and does nothing to discipline them. You:
a. tell your daughter you'll never invite her family to your vacation spot again.
b. tell your grandchildren they need to put away their boots and keep their voices down.
c. say nothing, even if their unruly behavior bothers you. Disciplining your grandchildren is your

daughter's job.
d. take your daughter aside and ask if the two of you might come up with some "ground rules" to keep the kids

 in line when they visit.

Question 3:You are visiting your daughter for the week. As you walk into the house, you see dishes in the

sink, and towels spilling out of the linen closet. You:
a. tell your daughter that her house is a mess and she should hire a cleaning woman if she  doesn't have the

 time to straighten up.
b. immediately start cleaning.
c. ignore the mess, since it's your daughter's house and you have no place commenting on  how she runs it.
d. tell her that you realize how overwhelmed she is, and ask her if she would like you to help clean her house

or offer to pay for a cleaning woman.

Question 4: When your daughter asks you to babysit you:
a. say "no." You're very busy and don't have the time.
b. reluctantly agree, but tell her it needs to be at your house. You have a better stocked  refrigerator and

your home is tidier.
c. agree, even though it means giving up your monthly bridge game.
d. happily agree, delighted at the chance to spend time with your grandchildren.

Question 5:. Your daughter calls to tell you she's met the man of her dreams and wants  to bring him for

dinner. Within the first half-hour he tells you that he's a staunch vegetarian,  that "meat is murder," and that

he couldn't possibly eat your pot roast. At dinner, he interrupts your daughter and rolls his eyes when she

 shares her political views. You:
a. let him know firmly that you want him out of your daughter's life.
b. slip your daughter the phone number of your cardiologist's unmarried son.
c. say nothing, and hope your daughter comes to realize what a jerk he is.
d. speak to your daughter privately, gently expressing your concerns about his insensitive  behavior.

Question 6: Your daughter calls you, ecstatic with her good news. She's been named a partner at her law

firm. You're worried about the long hours involved, since she already sees her kids so seldom and often seems

tired and irritable. You
a. tell her not to accept it; it's a selfish move that will hurt her children.
b. congratulate her and let her know you would have enjoyed a career like hers, but someone had to stay home

and take care of the kids.
c. tell her you're proud of her and keep your concerns mum, even though you're worried about how your grand

children will adjust to her long work hours.
d. applaud her good news and tell her how proud you are of her accomplishment. Then offer to help her adapt

to her new work schedule.

Question 7: Congratulations! You've won a weeklong Caribbean cruise for two. The catch? You must take

your daughter as your guest. You:
a. say "no thanks." Even tropical breezes and margaritas on the lido deck couldn't get you to spend a week

captive with your daughter.
b. agree to go, but tell your daughter to hang out with the other young people by the pool, while you enjoy

cards with your peers.
c. agree to go, even though you don't want to. How bad can it be?
d. jump at the chance! What a nice way to spend uninterrupted time with your daughter, in wonderful surroundings.

 

If you answered mostly A's… you're the "Maligning Mom" You often feel like you've given birth to an alien, and can't understand why your daughter behaves as she does. Rather than just accepting her the way she is, you feel the need to barrage her with advice. Although your intentions may be good, your words end up hurting your daughter and making her snap back. Your challenge is to develop patience and not condemn everything your daughter does or says. She may just surprise you with her good judgment and competence, if only you'll let her.

If you answered mostly B's… you're the "Meddling Mom." You seldom insult or pick fights with your daughter, but your actions speak louder than words. By dismissing your daughter's feelings or opinions and doing what you think is right, you send the message that she's not a competent adult. Even though you want what's best for her and often choose your words carefully, your actions may be hurtful. Your challenge is to think about the consequences of your actions, and ask yourself how you would feel if your own mother quietly did things that undermined your authority and credibility.

If you answered mostly C's… you're the "Mum Mom," afraid anything you say will be interpreted as judgmental or critical by your daughter. You feel it's not your place to tell your daughter what you think. You're afraid to share your concerns, so you often seethe silently. Your challenge is to develop the courage to be open and honest with your daughter, yet do so in a way that won't offend her.

If you answered mostly D's… Congratulations, you're the "Model Mom" You share your concerns in an empathetic way that's helpful, not judgmental or critical. You openly appreciate your daughter's good traits, and treat her more like a friend than as the child you've raised. Your challenge is to help your friends and sisters achieve the kind of relationship you have with your daughter.